If you’re hungry for a laugh and love your carbs with a hole in the middle, you’ve come to the right place! Bagel Puns and Jokes is a lighthearted collection of wordplay that’s baked to perfection—guaranteed to make you smile, groan, or maybe even crave a schmear. From sesame-topped favorites to classic plain jokes, this cheerful collection promises a delightful bite of humor with every twist—get ready for a whole lot of laughs!
Bagel Jokes
What’s a bagel’s favorite workout?
Rolling on the floor laughing.
Why did the bagel go to therapy?
It had too many emotional layers.
What do you call a sleepy bagel?
A nap-seed.
What’s a bagel’s favorite type of movie?
Anything with a twist.
Why did the bagel get promoted?
It always rose to the occasion.
What do you call a bagel that sings?
A breadwinner.
How do bagels flirt?
“You’re my everything!”
Why don’t bagels ever get lost?
They always go in circles.
What did the bagel say to the toaster?
“You’re making me hot!”
Why was the bagel so good at making friends?
It was well-rounded.
What kind of music do bagels listen to?
Roll and roll!
What do you call a nervous bagel?
A bundle of carbs.
Why did the bagel join the band?
It wanted to be a roll model.
What’s a bagel’s least favorite chore?
Crumb sweeping.
What did the bagel say during its stand-up act?
“I know I’m a little plain, but I’ve got layers!”
Why did the bagel refuse to fight?
It believed in roll-ving conflict peacefully.
What do bagels write in their diary?
“Just trying to keep it together one spread at a time.”
Why was the bagel so calm during the test?
It was baked for success.
What do bagels do at a party?
They schmear on the charm.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain one!
Why was the bagel hired as a motivational speaker?
It was full of inner yeast.
What do bagels say when they’re surprised?
“Holy schmear!”
How did the bagel win the race?
It just kept rolling.
Why don’t bagels ever gossip?
They don’t like to spread rumors.
What did the bagel say to the coffee?
“You make me feel brewtiful.”
Why did the bagel wear sunglasses?
It didn’t want to be toasted in public.
What did the bagel name its autobiography?
Hole Lotta Love.
Why did the bagel bring a ladder?
To get to the top shelf spread.
Why was the bagel a great magician?
It always pulled a schmearacle.
What do bagels dream about?
Being the toast of the town.
Why don’t bagels lie?
They like to keep things wholesome.
What’s a bagel’s favorite holiday?
Dough-na Day.
What’s a bagel’s favorite dance?
The twist and schmear.
Why did the bagel go on a diet?
It felt a little overstuffed.
What happened to the bagel who got too confident?
It got toasted.
Why are bagels bad at keeping secrets?
Because they always leak a little schmear.
Short Bagel Jokes
What do you call a shy bagel?
A little plain.
Why did the bagel go to school?
To get well-rounded.
What’s a bagel’s favorite sport?
Roller skating.
Why are bagels terrible at poker?
They always crack under pressure.
How do bagels stay in shape?
They roll with it.
What did the bagel say on Valentine’s Day?
“You complete me.”
Why don’t bagels ever get mad?
They’re always toasted chill.
What’s a bagel’s favorite instrument?
The roll-ing pin-o.
Why did the bagel start a podcast?
To spread the word.
Why are bagels bad at lying?
They’re full of holes.
What do you call a bagel comedian?
A punch-rye master.
What kind of bagel works out?
Whole grain.
Why did the bagel join a dating app?
It was feeling unschmeared.
What do you call a bagel with attitude?
Sassy dough.
What kind of car does a bagel drive?
A rolls-Royce.
What do bagels wear to formal events?
Cream tuxedos.
Why did the bagel break up with the muffin?
No chemistry—too crumby.
What’s a bagel’s favorite subject?
Dough-graphy.
What did the bagel say to the butter?
“Let’s spread happiness.”
What happens when a bagel tells a joke?
It gets a hole lot of laughs.
Why are bagels terrible secret agents?
They can’t stay undercover.
What do bagels eat for dessert?
Doughnuts, if no one’s watching.
Why was the bagel always calm?
It was baked that way.
How do you compliment a bagel?
“You’re on a roll!”
What kind of bagel loves drama?
Cinna-menace.
What does a bagel call its selfie?
A crusty snap.
What do you get when a bagel wins a prize?
A holey trophy.
Why was the bagel always tired?
Too many late-night schmears.
What do bagels do on vacation?
Go gluten-free.
Why did the bagel go viral?
It had everything going for it.
Why was the bagel good at math?
It knew its circles.
What do you call a spooky bagel?
Boog-el.
What did the bagel say to the croissant?
“You flake too much.”
What kind of movies do bagels hate?
Crumb-y ones.
What did the bagel say in the race?
“Let’s roll!”
Why did the bagel go to therapy?
Too much emotional schmear.
Why did the bagel fail the audition?
It froze in the toaster.
What’s a bagel’s dream job?
Bread influencer.
What did the bagel say on its birthday?
“Time to party and schmear!’”
Bagel Dad Jokes
I told my bagel a joke…
It didn’t laugh—it was too toasted.
I tried to open a bakery just for bagels…
But I couldn’t make ends meat.
My bagel wanted a promotion…
I told it to rise to the occasion.
I asked my bagel how it was feeling.
It said, “I’m feeling a little hole-y today.”
Don’t trust a bagel with secrets…
They tend to schmear everything.
I had a bagel once that was always confident…
Really full of itself.
I bought a bagel that sings.
It’s a real jam session.
My bagel asked for a raise.
I said, “You knead to work harder!”
My bagel joined the gym.
Now it’s a real tough roll.
Why was the bagel so relaxed?
It was plain and simple.
I caught my bagel daydreaming.
I said, “Hey, get your yeast together!”
My bagel started meditating.
Now it’s all about inner crust.
The bagel failed its driving test…
It kept taking everything too literally.
I asked my bagel if it wanted cream cheese.
It said, “That’s how I roll.”
The bagel became a comedian.
People said it was crumby, but funny.
I tried to high-five my bagel…
It just loafed around.
Why don’t bagels use smartphones?
They prefer to roll old school.
My bagel went to space.
Now it’s a super-nova roll.
My bagel wrote a novel.
It’s called Fifty Shades of Schmear.
The bagel got into politics.
Promised hole-some change.
I took my bagel on a date.
It was everything I ever kneaded.
My bagel went on vacation.
Sent me a crustcard.
My bagel’s band broke up.
They couldn’t agree on the jam.
The bagel quit its job.
Said it felt too crumby inside.
Why did the bagel go to art school?
It wanted to draw inspiration.
I met a philosophical bagel.
Asked, “What’s the meaning of loaf?”
I bought a bagel alarm clock.
Now I rise and schmear!
My bagel wanted to be an actor…
But it kept getting type-toast.
I asked the bagel to clean the kitchen.
It said, “That’s nacho business.”
My bagel’s new job?
Security—it’s got tough crust.
I told my bagel a secret…
It leaked like butter.
My bagel took up painting.
It’s now a real artisan roll.
I complimented my bagel.
It said, “I know—I’m on a roll.”
The bagel joined a circus.
It’s now the main roundtraction.
I told my bagel I loved it.
It said, “Let’s toast to that!”
Bagel Puns
You’re my everything—just like my bagel.
I’m on a roll, and it’s covered in sesame.
Life’s better with a little schmear on top.
You bagel my heart.
Don’t be so crumby—lighten up!
I’m feeling a little hole-y today.
That was a real schmearacle.
You can’t top me—I’m already everything.
Rise and schmear, sunshine!
I loaf you a hole lot.
No need to get toasted over it.
A little schmear goes a long way.
You’re my favorite kind of dough-ling.
Let’s roll into the weekend.
Bagel me softly.
I like my mornings with a little hole-someness.
This relationship is crust-worthy.
That’s my jam on a bagel.
I’m spreading love like cream cheese.
Don’t go loafing around all day.
You’re the hole package.
Let’s make it a bagel-bration.
This is how we roll—with poppy seeds.
Feeling bready for anything.
Bagel today, gone tomato.
Let’s keep this love well-rounded.
I’m craving some well-bread company.
You really know how to make my crust blush.
This brunch is holey perfection.
You’re the cream cheese to my chaos.
Let’s not get twisted—I’m a bagel, not a pretzel.
You’ve got me in a real jam, bagel.
That was a real grain idea.
Let’s spread joy, not just butter.
I don’t need therapy—I need a bagel and a nap.
You’re bagelicious, baby!
Funny Bagel Puns
You’ve got me feeling all toasty inside.
We’re a matcha-made in bagel heaven.
You butter believe I’m into you.
Life’s too short for plain bagels.
Let’s have a little roll-play.
I’ve got a hole lotta love to give.
You’re the lox to my bagel.
If carbs are wrong, I don’t wanna be rye.
You’re my favorite kind of crusty companion.
I’m on a roll, and it’s freshly baked.
I loaf you more than my morning bagel fix.
That’s how I roll—with sesame.
You’re my everything, bagel or not.
Bagel puns? Yeah, I’m bready for this.
You’re so cute, I could just schmear you!
Don’t be so crumby, share your breakfast.
If loving bagels is wrong, I don’t want to be whole.
I don’t always eat carbs, but when I do, I go round.
Let’s be real—hole foods are the best foods.
We go together like bagels and oversleeping.
I’m feeling pretty hole-some today.
This brunch is off the schmear!
There’s nothing like a warm hug… or a warm bagel.
Bagels: proof that love is round and toasty.
Can’t talk, I’m in a deep bagelationship.
We don’t need drama—just carb-comfort.
I’m hole-heartedly into you.
This bagel is my roll model.
I may be crusty on the outside, but I’m soft on the inside.
Keep your friends close and your bagels toasted.
There’s naan better than a good bagel.
Don’t lox yourself in a relationship without bagels.
Bagels: the only circle I’ll ever trust.
Cute Bagel Puns
You’re the cream cheese to my bagel.
You’ve bagel-ed my heart!
You’re the lox to my bagel.
Let’s get schmear-ious about our love for bagels.
You butter believe I’m into you.
I’m bready for anything when you’re around.
You’re everything I ever needed—just like my bagel.
You’re a hole lot of sweetness.
I’d be crumby without you.
I’ve got a lot of feeling for you—just like a bagel with extra schmear.
Toast to us!
You’re the bacon to my bagel.
You make my heart rise like dough.
I’m just here to spread the love.
You’re loaf-ly, and I can’t get enough of you!
You and I are meant to be—like bagels and cream cheese.
Can you feel the love in the air? It smells like bagels!
I’ll be your bagel if you’ll be my schmear.
You’re the best thing since sliced bagels.
My love for you is all in the details, like a perfect bagel.
You’re crust above the rest.
Holey moley, I think I’m falling for you!
I love you more than my morning bagel fix.
I’m bread-y for more time with you.
We’re like bagels and cream cheese—we just fit!
You’re the cream of the crop—just like the best bagels.
We’re roll-ing through life together.
You make everything a bit dough-lightful.
I’m not knot-ting around—I really like you!
You make my heart rise like dough in the oven.
I can’t loaf you enough!
I hole-heartedly love you.
Bagel Birthday Puns
Another year, another hole lot of happiness—happy birthday!
Have a bready great birthday!
You’re a real sweet roll—hope your day is as special as you are!
Let’s toast to another year of awesomeness—happy birthday!
Wishing you a hole lot of joy and a schmear of happiness!
Happy birthday to the most bready fabulous person I know!
May your birthday be as perfect as a freshly baked bagel.
Loaf you so much—have a bagel-tastic birthday!
You’re hole-y amazing! Have the best birthday ever!
Another year older, but you’re still the cream cheese of the crop!
Wishing you a day full of roll-ing fun and joy—happy birthday!
Hope your birthday is as delightful as a bagel with extra schmear.
Have a hole lot of fun today—happy birthday!
You deserve a birthday as fluffy and warm as your favorite bagel.
Let’s make today hole-some—happy birthday!
A little bagel humor to start your birthday: You’re on a roll today!
You’re one in a hole—happy birthday!
Bagel-ieve it or not, today’s your day! Have a fantastic birthday!
Wishing you a day as sweet and satisfying as a bagel with cream cheese.
Have a hole lot of fun and a very happy birthday!
May your day be toasty and your year full of blessings—happy birthday!
You’re the best thing since sliced bagels—happy birthday!
Here’s to a birthday that’s baked to perfection!
Don’t worry, you’re still roll-ing strong—happy birthday!
Schmear some fun on your day—happy birthday!
May your birthday be filled with love and joy, just like a bagel!
I loaf you so much—have a bagelicious birthday!
I’m not just wishing you a great birthday—I’m wishing you a hole lot of fun!
Happy birthday to someone who’s loaf-ly inside and out!
Here’s to a year that’s as buttery as your favorite bagel!
Hope your birthday is a hole lot of fun—enjoy it to the fullest!
Wishing you a deliciously sweet year ahead!
You deserve a birthday that’s flaky and golden, just like a perfect bagel!
Hope your day is as fun and satisfying as a bagel brunch.
Let’s toast to another amazing year of you—happy birthday!
You’re the cream cheese to my bagel—have an amazing birthday!
Let’s roll into another year of happiness—happy birthday!
