Get ready to kick off the laughs with our hilarious football jokes! Whether you’re a die-hard fan, a weekend player, or just here for the halftime snacks, this collection is packed with puns, one-liners, and goal-worthy gags. From locker room banter to sideline silliness, these jokes are sure to score big with anyone who loves the beautiful game.
Football Jokes
What’s a footballer’s favorite drink?
Penal-tea.
What do you call a pig playing football?
A ball hog.
Why don’t football players get cold?
Because they wear warm-ups!
Why was the stadium so cool?
Because every seat had a fan.
What’s a footballer’s least favorite room?
The penalty box.
Why was the football team always losing?
They couldn’t get past their issues—defensive ones.
What’s a ghost’s favorite football move?
Possession.
Why did the striker sit on the clock?
He wanted to waste time.
What’s a soccer ball’s favorite type of music?
Kick-hop.
Why do football players stay away from cats?
Too many claws in the contract.
How do footballers stay in shape during off-season?
They run their mouths.
What’s the most emotional position in football?
The goalkeeper—always on the verge of tears.
Why did the defender bring glue to the match?
He wanted to stick to his man.
What’s a footballer’s favorite type of exercise?
Running up the score.
Why did the player bring a ladder to the pitch?
He heard the stakes were high.
What’s a football manager’s favorite dessert?
Tactical turnovers.
Why did the ball file a complaint?
It was being kicked around.
How do you keep a footballer in suspense?
Tell them they’re on the bench.
Why did the football team practice in the jungle?
They wanted to work on their roar.
What’s a striker’s favorite fruit?
Goal-den apples.
Why did the coach go to jail?
For illegal substitutions.
Why did the midfielder get promoted?
He was good at handling transitions.
Why don’t footballers tell secrets on the field?
Too many ears in the grass.
What did the football say to the cleats?
Stop kicking me around!
Why was the team’s bus always late?
It kept stalling in the final third.
How does a footballer greet his teammates?
With a high five-yard pass.
Why did the ref take up gardening?
He’s great at planting cards.
What’s the smartest position on the pitch?
The sweeper—they always clean up.
What do you call a sleepy football match?
A snore draw.
What did the team eat before the match?
Fast goals.
Why did the ball go to therapy?
It had too many issues being kicked around.
What’s a football coach’s favorite type of fish?
A tackle-box.
Why did the goalie start a band?
He already had great saves.
Dad Joke About Football
I told my son I played football in high school.
He said, “What position?”
I said, “Benched.”
I asked my daughter if she wanted to kick the ball.
She said, “Only if it kicks back!”
I bought new boots for football.
Now I just need the talent to go with them.
My favorite position is “remote control quarterback.”
I don’t run on the field anymore.
I save my energy for yelling at the ref from the couch.
I used to be a striker…
Until I realized running wasn’t for me.
The coach said I had potential.
He just didn’t say in what sport.
I told my wife football is like life.
She said, “So full of flops and drama?”
I threw my back out trying to save a penalty…
From my toddler.
I wear my lucky jersey every game.
It’s only unlucky for my team.
I bought a whistle to help coach.
Now I just use it to call the kids to dinner.
I’ve got great footwork…
Especially when dodging chores during the match.
I told my daughter I once scored a bicycle kick.
She said, “That explains why we only have one bike.”
I play fantasy football.
Mostly because real football hurts my knees.
My son asked if I could do a header.
I said, “Only into a pillow.”
My football skills are like my cooking.
Burnt out by halftime.
I bought new cleats.
Now I trip over them in style.
I signed up for walking football.
Finally, a pace I can handle!
I’m like a goalkeeper…
I block every plan that involves housework.
My pregame routine includes stretching…
The truth about my playing ability.
I’m great at football trivia.
Actual playing? Not so much.
I always shoot for the stars.
Which explains why I miss the net.
I once tried to tackle a couch potato lifestyle.
But the couch won.
I challenged my son to a penalty shootout.
He scored 5. I pulled a hamstring.
I downloaded a football training app.
It kept buffering—must be realistic!
My dribbling is impressive.
Especially when eating hot wings.
I told my family I was man of the match.
They asked, “Which match? Socks or opinions?”
I tried to slide tackle on grass…
Now I’m sliding into my chiropractor’s DMs.
Funniest Football Jokes
Why did the striker go to jail?
He couldn’t stop shooting.
What’s a football’s favorite movie?
Kick-Ass.
Why did the coach bring a broom to practice?
He wanted to sweep the league.
How do footballers stay cool?
They stand near the fans.
What’s a footballer’s favorite snack?
Nutmegs.
Why was the football team always calm?
Because they had great composure in the box.
What’s a referee’s favorite party game?
Red light, yellow light.
Why did the team hire a gardener?
To work on their turf issues.
Why did the striker bring a pencil to the match?
To draw a foul.
What’s a goalkeeper’s favorite type of music?
Anything with good drops.
Why did the ball go on strike?
It was tired of being kicked around.
Why was the match delayed?
The pitch had commitment issues—it couldn’t stay level.
How does a defender flirt?
By making strong moves and blocking exits.
What’s a footballer’s least favorite subject?
History—they keep repeating their mistakes.
Why was the captain terrible at cards?
He always revealed his hand signals.
Why do football teams love math?
They’re always working on their goal difference.
Why was the ball always broke?
Too many players kicked it out of budget.
What’s the referee’s favorite drink?
Whistle tea.
Why did the striker bring a fishing pole?
To catch a net.
What’s a football team’s favorite browser?
Google Goal.
Why didn’t the skeleton join the team?
He didn’t have the guts for it.
Why did the team fail their science test?
They couldn’t pass under pressure.
Why did the fan sit on the ball?
To reserve their seat.
What’s a forward’s favorite exercise?
Goal lunges.
Why was the ball late to practice?
It got kicked down the wrong path.
Why do footballers hate elevators?
They prefer taking the long run.
What do you call a quiet football match?
A still draw.
Why did the midfielder apply for a desk job?
He wanted more control.
Why was the defender always single?
He kept blocking chances.
What did the coach name his dog?
Penalty—because it always came back.
Why did the manager become a baker?
He was tired of half-baked tactics.
What did the ball say during therapy?
“I feel so kicked around.”
Why did the stadium get good grades?
It had great fans and solid support.
Childrens Football Jokes
Why did the football bring string to school?
So it could tie the score!
What’s a football’s favorite color?
Goal-den!
Why did the soccer ball go to school?
To get a kick out of learning!
What did the football say to the cleats?
“Stop kicking me around!”
What’s a football player’s favorite kind of candy?
Goal-drops!
What’s a goalkeeper’s favorite subject?
Blocking-ology!
Why did the player bring a ladder to the game?
He wanted to reach the top of the league!
What did the little ball say to the big ball?
“Someday, I’ll grow up and score goals too!”
Why was the soccer ball always sad?
It felt kicked around.
What do footballers eat for breakfast?
Goalflakes!
Why didn’t the chicken join the football team?
It was afraid of the wing!
What’s a footballer’s favorite day?
Goal-Friday!
Why do footballers wear boots?
Because sneakers don’t like grass!
Why did the cat join the football team?
It wanted to be a purr-fect striker!
What do you call a football match in the jungle?
A roar-ing good time!
Why did the player go to music class?
To learn how to play the whistle!
What’s a dog’s favorite football position?
Goal-bark-er!
What’s a football’s favorite game at recess?
Kick and seek!
Why did the robot join the football team?
It had great footwork and charged batteries!
What do you call a fast football player?
A zoom striker!
Why did the football get A+ in school?
It had great bounce-back ability!
What did one football say to the other?
“You’re a real kicker!”
Why was the computer good at football?
It had a great processor!
What’s a monster’s favorite football move?
The boo-t!
Why did the footballer sit on the bench?
He wanted to kick back and relax!
Why did the tomato join the football team?
Because it knew how to ketchup!
Why did the soccer player take art class?
To learn how to draw a foul!
What do you call a sleepy football match?
A snore draw!
Why don’t ghosts play football?
Because they’re afraid of being kicked!
What’s a footballer’s favorite fruit?
Striker-berries!
Why did the football cross the road?
Because the chicken kicked it!
What do you call a cat on a football field?
A fur-ward!
Why did the bee join the football game?
To be part of the buzz!
Why did the football go to music school?
To learn how to play in harmony!
What’s a dinosaur’s favorite football position?
Goalie-saurus!
Why did the banana join the team?
It had great peel control!
What do you call a football-playing fish?
A goal-fish!
Fantasy Football Jokes
My fantasy team is like my car:
Every year I think it’s fixed, and every Sunday it breaks down.
I named my team “Champions 2025.”
It’s 2025. We’re 0–6.
My draft strategy?
Pick players I like, then spend four months regretting it.
I thought I had a good team.
Until the season started.
My fantasy bench scored 100 points this week.
Too bad they were sitting next to me.
I drafted all rookies this year.
Turns out, experience matters.
My friend won his league by autodrafting.
He’s not allowed back next season.
I told my boss I needed Sunday off for “religious reasons.”
He asked which religion. I said, “Fantasy football playoffs.”
My starting quarterback got injured.
My backup? Retired two years ago.
I tried a new strategy: ignore rankings and go with my heart.
My heart is now in therapy.
My kicker is my top scorer.
That says everything.
My friend trash-talked me all week.
Then lost by 0.1 points. Karma knows decimals.
I have trust issues.
Fantasy football taught me that.
My tight end has 3 catches in 5 games.
And one of them was in warmups.
My wife told me to stop talking about fantasy football.
So now I talk to the dog. He listens. He still thinks my lineup sucks.
I missed my son’s recital.
He forgave me. My running back didn’t.
My quarterback had negative points.
I didn’t even know that was possible.
I won this week because the other guy forgot to set his lineup.
Victory tastes like luck.
Fantasy football:
where I analyze 50 players to still make the wrong choice.
My bench looks like a Pro Bowl roster.
Too bad none of them actually played for me.
I started the season 3–0.
Then remembered there are 14 weeks.
I drafted a sleeper pick.
Then he literally didn’t wake up for 6 weeks.
I picked a wide receiver with “big upside.”
He’s currently upside down in rankings.
I don’t check my bank account anymore.
Only my fantasy score.
Fantasy football brings out the worst in me.
And I’m already not great.
My draft board looked beautiful.
My team, not so much.
I started my rival’s bye-week player.
And still lost. I’m cursed.
Dirty Football Jokes
My fantasy team scored more than I did last night…
again.
I play tight end on Sundays —
loose end on Saturdays.
He fumbled the ball and his dignity…
kinda like me on a first date.
You know you’re obsessed with football when your safe word is “offsides.”
He celebrated that touchdown like it was the first time he scored…
and honestly, it might’ve been.
I treat my playbook like I treat my dates:
Keep it simple, stick to the basic positions.
The locker room was so steamy, even the Gatorade was blushing.
She asked what position I play.
I said, “Whatever gets me in the end zone.”
They say defense wins championships.
But offense gets you the phone number.
My coach said I need better ball control.
I said, “You sound like my ex.”
I once scored in the red zone and the friend zone on the same night.
He said he runs a spread offense.
She said, “Oh really? Show me.”
My girlfriend got jealous of my tight end.
I said, “She’s just a formation, babe.”
I run drills so intense, they’d make a grown man moan.
Or at least heavy breathe.
I’m not saying football is sexy…
But have you seen a touchdown dance in slow-mo?
She likes a man who can read defenses.
I like a woman who can break mine.
Football is like dating —
full of stiff arms, game plans, and someone’s always faking an injury.
I once ran a reverse in the bedroom.
Ended up in the closet by mistake.
She said she likes guys who finish strong.
I said, “You’ll love playoff me.”
He said he was a kicker.
Turns out he just doesn’t like commitment.
I tried a two-minute drill.
She was not impressed.
My last date was like a busted play —
started with hope, ended in confusion and disappointment.
I run a no-huddle offense in the bedroom.
Straight chaos, no breaks.
She said she wanted a receiver with soft hands.
I said, “Then stop slapping me.”
We had a wild night —
full contact, no pads, and definitely no timeouts.
I always go for two…
if you know what I mean.
Football Jokes Funny
Why did the football team go to art class?
To learn how to draw a play!
What’s a football player’s favorite type of music?
Anything with a good beat — especially if it comes with a marching band.
What’s a lineman’s favorite type of sandwich?
A sack-wich.
Why don’t football players do well in school?
Because they’re always rushing!
Why did the football go to therapy?
It had too many issues being kicked around.
How do football players stay cool during games?
They sit next to the fans.
What do football players do when they get bored?
They kick it!
What’s a kicker’s least favorite type of math?
Division.
Why did the coach go to the bank?
To get his quarterback!
What do you get when you cross a football player and a detective?
Someone who tackles the case.
Why did the football player bring a ladder to the game?
To reach the high scores.
What’s a referee’s favorite drink?
Penal-tea.
Why don’t football teams use the internet?
Too many dropped connections.
How do quarterbacks party?
They throw a good pass and a better party!
What did the receiver say to the football?
“Catch you later!”
Why did the player sit on the clock?
He wanted to waste time.
Why did the football player go to jail?
For unnecessary roughness — in the cafeteria line.
What did the football say to the punter?
“You really kicked me while I was down.”
Why was the football stadium so cold?
Because there were so many fans!
What’s a football player’s favorite type of candy?
Quarterback-snaps.
Why did the lineman bring toilet paper to practice?
For the end zone.
What’s the most common football injury?
Broken dreams after a dropped pass.
Why don’t football players get lost?
Because they always follow the playbook.
What do you call a football team with no discipline?
A bunch of goal-den retrievers.
What do you call a clumsy football player?
A fumblebee.
Why did the player wear a suit to practice?
He wanted to be a professional.
Why are football players bad at secret-keeping?
They always huddle and whisper!
What did the football player say when he was asked to clean his room?
“Can I just sweep the division instead?”
Why did the player sleep through the game?
Because he was too tired from running plays in his dreams.
Why was the quarterback always calm?
Because he knew how to pass pressure.
What’s a football team’s favorite type of exercise?
Field drills!
What do you call a coach without a whistle?
Quietly disappointed.
What did the football player say when he scored a touchdown?
“That was a goal, right?”
